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11 October 2007 @ 09:27 pm
Forever (one-shot)  
Title: Forever
Summary: When you promise forever it's no matter what.
Disclaimer: Not real
Author Notes : I read a book called "Delirio" it's about a man that leaves for 3 days on for work and when he comes back he finds his wife has gone insane. This is the same idea, were the man (Ray) leaves for work, the difference is that Mikey was already "insane" (I don't know if the term fits him proporly) when Ray left but when he returns he finds that Mikey is missing. They are my favorite couple and I wanted something a bit more about loving and being there for someone no matter what. I'd love feed back on "Forever". I'm sorry for this large A/N and I hope it doesn't ruin the story.

“Are you ok?”

The lights outside the window pass by like long strikes of color melting into each other, ignoring rules and sounds, red turning into white. Are the windows thick enough to keep sound out? Or are your arms strong enough to keep me from harm.

I see the sirens, but I don’t hear them. I see the movement but I don’t feel it. Who is driving? Because your arms are around me.

“You’re ok?”

My mind is a blur; I can’t remember how we got here. I can’t remember where we are going. Your arms feel the same; your arms are always the same. Warm, strong…they are you and you are mine.

“It’ll be fine…everything will be fine.”

Ray…rays of light passing by the window. Time twirling around us and I still don’t know how we got here. Ray…my Ray.

I shift in the car seat, the plastic sticking to my legs and I can’t remember ever wearing pants. Your arm still around me as your strong hand pulls me onto your lap. I feel your lips against my skin. Your tears against my skin.

Is it raining? Is this why I feel so cold? Hold me tighter please, hold me please don’t ever let me go.

My body curls into yours, I belong here. The stars shine bright against the darkened sky. Light can’t exist with out dark, there be nothing to see it against. I’m the same I can’t live with out you. I need you so I can see myself.

The stars blink at me. Sound slowly returning and I don’t want to let you go. I don’t want to let you go.

“I had to find you…” Is that my voice? A whisper in the night, lost between the stars.

“I’m here, I’m right here.”

You weren’t, you were gone and I had to find you. I had to find you. The night was dark with out you, the stars had no Ray to shine with, and my darkness wasn’t enough to contrast against. You were gone I had to search for you. I had to find you.

“Is he ok?”

I found him… or he found me … I can’t remember.

“He is a bit out of it, but he is fine. He’s not hurt.”

I was hurt while you were gone. I was hurt because the air became too thick and the stars wouldn’t shine.

“His eyes are unfocused…”

“It’s always like this after an episode… I shouldn’t have left…”

You left me. They didn’t take you, you weren’t lost. You left me.

“Don’t cry. Mikey, I’m here. Everything will be ok.”

You left me. You left me when you know I need you. You left me alone in a starless sky; you left me cold and empty. I had to find you and you left me.

“You left me…” My voice is brittle like the string holding our hearts together.

“No, no. I’ll never leave you.”

I thought our hearts were strong. I thought love would … I thought love would keep us together, I thought we’d promised forever.

“I thought the medicine was supposed to avoid this.”

“It is unless he hasn’t been taking it. Did you make sure he took them? You have to count his pills; he’ll forget to take them sometimes.” Your voice is thick with worry; do you have to go back now? Do you have to leave me again? I’m damaged, you no longer want me.

“I asked him if he took them and he said he had. I … Ray, I don’t know how to care for him. He needs you.”

“You’re his brother!”

“Not to him. Even when on the medicine he looks at me like a stranger, he calls me brother but …it’s the same as if he called me stranger.”

You’re going to leave me again. You’re going to leave me again. The window, the opened window, I’ll have to go and find you. I’ll find you…we promised for ever. We promised for ever.

“I need to work.”

I want your arms around me again. I want them to block the sounds out. I want them to keep me warm.
“Take your medicine, baby.”

Pills, more pills. If I take it will you love me again?

Your arms are back. Your arms are mine and you are mine, like I am yours. I am yours for ever yours.

“Maybe you should reconsider the hospital.”

“I won’t have him committed. I promised him forever, we promised forever.”

We promised for ever.

The darkness is coming for me. It comes hidden in the little yellow pill, darkness and nightmares hidden in little yellow pills. Pills yellow, blue, white, pink. Pills… sleep.


I woke up in your arms again. In our bed like you were never gone. Like time had never moved. Your hair all over the pillow your heavy arms holding me still, this is how it’s suppose to be. We promised forever.

“Baby,” you whisper. “You need to take your meds.”

I nod. Your lips on my own, your smell all around me, I’ll take the pills.

“Promise me Mikey. Promise me you’ll never skip them again. I was so scared.”

“You promised me forever.” I have no excuse.

“I’ll give you, forever and ever.”

Your lips on my own, your arms around me and my hand in your hair.

“I love you Ray.”
Crossbow1crossbow1 on October 12th, 2007 01:53 am (UTC)
I read this on MCS or whatever it was on, and I really liked it. The only concrit I have is that the ending dialogue is schmaltzy, and it would be stronger if you cut out everything after Mikey falls asleep and jsut ended it there.
diebyownhandsdiebyownhands on October 12th, 2007 11:41 am (UTC)
Thank you. The second part was actually added awhile after the first was written. It just felt unfinished to me,perhaps it is a bit forced and well "schmaltzy"
la da da daliesthatwebleed on October 12th, 2007 01:55 am (UTC)
I actually really liked this. I like the voice Mikey speaks in, the way everything is fuzzy and unclear around him. I think there are a few grammar mistakes, but that's nothing a beta couldn't fix. So if you don't have one, make sure you do. :)
diebyownhandsdiebyownhands on October 12th, 2007 11:43 am (UTC)
thank you.
persianfirepersianfire on October 12th, 2007 01:33 pm (UTC)
i really liked this, and the idea of mental illness, and still having a relationship, the sacrifices they have to go through, etc.

my only disappointment is, it should be longer and more in depth, I wanted to know more--more about the illness, how they lived with it, how it affected their relationships, sexually, and emotionally.

What is Mikey's illness exactly? Was he this bad when he and Ray first got together?

I tend to think a little too much about these things lol, and then want to know every little detail!
diebyownhandsdiebyownhands on October 15th, 2007 05:14 pm (UTC)
If I added more it had to go into a chp fic and I didn't want to go down that road with this. Because I think it would have been hard to keep Mikey's "fuzzy" vision on things.

I can answer some of your questions though because I did think about them before writing.

Mikey did have his "illness" before meeting Ray, but it's one of those that doens't trully manifest until later in life, in Mikey's case mid 20's. What exactly he has I'm not sure. I was thinking something along the lines of very severe anxiety, but I think and this is an uneducated guess he came out a bit more schizophrenic.

http://www.reference.com/search?q=schizophrenic at least it fits this description.

I could go on, but then I'd be writing the story!

"I tend to think a little too much about these things lol, and then want to know every little detail!"

I do the same and that is why I avoid reading One shots. I'm always left wanting more!!

Thank you for the con crit and sorry for the long rant.

persianfirepersianfire on October 16th, 2007 09:50 pm (UTC)
i think it's great when people actually do research into fics, and I really wish you would make this into a chaptered fic, because you really suckered me into the story:)

but i understand what you mean, having such an 'unstable' narrator is hard to write for long periods of time.

you have to be able to tell the story, stay true to the character and make sure the readers understand...my head hurts just thinking of it;)

diebyownhandsdiebyownhands on October 17th, 2007 02:32 am (UTC)
I'm really itching to write more on it and your not helping! lol.

the narrator thing is what is keeping me away, I just know it wouldn't work and doing it in third person or Ray's POV would completely change the tone of the story.

shirashira on October 12th, 2007 02:58 pm (UTC)
Very nice. I disagree, about the last part being excessive. I think it does ad closure to this.

Mechanically, I would suggest a "really good" beta. Because I see what you're going for here, with your use of punctuation and non-punctuation, but there are a couple of places where you really do need to add that comma so that it's more easily understandable. Your writing is very, very good in this; you need to find a beta who is better than you are. ;)
diebyownhands: pic#66640572diebyownhands on October 15th, 2007 05:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you, I do know and agree about the beta, but a really good beta that isn't busy with other stories is so hard to find.

I will ask my beta for an ongoing story if she is willing to be oneshots.