Word Count: 1,202
Summary: You always hurt the ones you love most, whether intentional or not.
Disclaimer: This is fiction.
Author's Note: It would be incredibly wonderful if you could take a moment and listen to Say Something, by LAPUSH which can be found here at their Purevolume page. This is loosely based on the lyrics, and on the over all feel of the song. Thank you to anyone who reads. Con-crit welcomed and appreciated. Thank you to my wonderful beta, un_related, without you dear I'd be lost. This was written for mychemicaltest's sin/virtue challenge, my choice being wrath. It placed in 2nd.
Warnings: possibly character death, sadness, it depends on how you view things
Wow, I wrote this a while back. It's one of the only things I've written that I sort of like, but at the same time I'm rather critical of myself, and I keep on finding things I wished I could have portrayed better. And I did have to limit things because of the word limit. I do worry about my writing being purple prose sometimes, so input would be really appreciated. I put so much symbolism in here it's really painful XD so if you have any questions about anything don't hesitate to ask. Thank you xx
And if you’re out there just say something.
Say everything is all right.
It was utterly pointless, foolish even, and yet Frank found himself driving down the worn road that led to Lake Schicksal, to the past he found so difficult to let go. The weather was harsh and unforgiving, and for that he was thankful; it kept his mind off of the inevitable. Today would be the same as every other Saturday. Despite the painful thought, he let a small smirk form on his face. Who was he to expect anything different? He would be forever stuck in the same rut. Gerard had made sure of that.
The sky continued to darken as the rain fell harder, and Frank's mind began to wander. It was physically painful to endure his weekly routine; sharp pains would ripple though his torso when he would think about what had transpired about a year ago. It was a reminder of his betrayal and a curse that he knew he deserved. He had been the one, after all, that had been unfaithful. Frank was the one that had caused this impasse. And he couldn't place blame on Gerard at all. It had always been in Gerard's nature to hold a grudge.
Every week was always the same. Every Saturday, Frank would drive down to the lake house that they used to live in together; the aging house that held his memories of their embraces and whispers of affection. He would see Gerard, and he would be ignored. Gerard would sit on the dock, sketching something, or just staring out into the calm water, devoid of emotion. That was what hurt Frank the most; the fact that he'd stripped Gerard of all feeling. He was still the same person that Frank knew and yet he was gone. He'd been gone ever since the night he'd told Frank to leave.
So now they shared in this emptiness. And despite Frank's attempts to feel whole again, to try to mend all the wrongs he'd caused by simply asking Gerard for forgiveness, Gerard would ignore him. He hadn't uttered a single word to Frank since that night, though his silence spoke volumes. Every Saturday Frank would drive to face his rejection. And every Saturday Gerard would deliver it.
Frank turned on to a small road and shivered as the house came into view. The house wasn’t unlike its owners now, frail and worn with time. It just magnified the point that he wasn’t there to fix it. Broken shingles graced the yard with their disarray, and each one left a mark on Frank’s conscience. It was his fault. It would always be his fault.
The rain began to lessen, but the sky grew darker. Frank let the rhythm of the rain envelop him after he parked the car in the driveway, taking the time necessary to work up his nerve. Seeing the house was nothing compared to this next part. He would see Gerard, his Gerard, and Gerard would act as though he didn’t exist. Sometimes Frank would yell and sometimes he would just quietly wait for Gerard to turn around, for any sign of recognition. But he could never touch him. They no longer had that familiarity.
Frank pulled his hood up as he got out of his car, and began to look around the desolate area that surrounded the house. He could see Gerard off in the distance, standing on the dock and looking directly at him for the first time in months. Just the sight of Gerard in a plain t-shirt, oblivious to the downpour, and a hint of emotion on his face, was so bizarre. Today was different.
He started to make his way over to him, careful to never let his eyes leave his former lover; this was too surreal. For all the times that he wished for acknowledgement, for all the times he’d hoped that he’d be able to stare into Gerard’s warm eyes again, he’d never thought about what would happen after. He'd imagined, making plans in his head, but the second this happened all previous thoughts had disintegrated.
“Gerard…” Frank whispered breathlessly. The walk from his vehicle to the dock seemed insignificant now, and the only traces of it were Frank’s numb fingers. Contrary to the cold weather he couldn’t help but feel hopeful, if anything. Today was different after all.
All Frank wanted to do was to close the gap that was between them, to hold Gerard, but something kept him from it. So he stood there, in the cold rain and looked at Gerard. He felt another small smile form on his face, the first genuine one in months. Despite everything, it was nice. Gerard looked just as he remembered him, right down to the worn leather jacket that wouldn’t leave his sight, his hair ruffled, pale skin.
Gerard held up his hand and shook his head. It was obvious he’d been expecting this. He just gave Frank a serene look, and looked as though he was trying to gather his thoughts.
“Look. I want you to know, that you don’t have to do this. You can walk away.”
“Gerard? What are you talking about?”
“Stop caring, Frank. I don’t want to see you like this. Please… you’re hurting yourself.”
At this point, Frank wanted to shake Gerard until he said something that made sense. His throat grew hot and he had the urge to say something, anything. Gerard’s voice was a note of finality, crushing any hopes he had. He suddenly felt dizzy.
“Gerard I’m sorry. I’m fucking sorry. Please…” Frank stumbled forward, arm outreached, mind cloudy.
“Frank, please. I don’t want it to happen like this."
Gerard evaded him, stepping towards the end of the dock. The rain began to fall harder, filling the space with noise; deafening. Frank was grateful; it gave him some excuse, some cover to pretend, if only for himself, that his eyes weren't stinging because of this too-painful moment.
“What… are you talking about?”
Frank stood there, the pain ripping through him with ease, his knees weakening. Yet all the while, Gerard stood there calm, though the slight urgency in his voice hinted he felt otherwise.
“I died, Frank. One year ago today, I shot myself. You know this. But please know there isn’t a day I don’t regret it.”
Frank blinked several times, trying to process everything. He tried to force a smile, and shook his head.
“Gerard, stop. Come on, we can talk about this.”
“No. We can’t. I’m sorry. I didn’t want it to happen like this.”
The rain began to plummet, and Gerard kept on walking back off the dock, the mist surrounding him. He began to fade away, a pleading look on his face.
Frank’s body sprung out of immobility, and he started to run towards Gerard, tears freely flowing. This was wrong, this was all wrong. Today was supposed to be different.
He was hardly aware of the icy cold water that suddenly surrounded him. It was numbing, and it was safe. The sharp pains weren’t there any longer. It no longer hurt to breathe.
“I’ll see you again, Frank. Maybe a Sunday. I love you.”
“I love you too.”